Im getting tired of this. I keep getting blackout drunk because im sad, and then I cry in front of everybody. I got really fucked up after a stream some bit ago and took a razor to my throat.. I wrote all over my floor with sharpie and got glass everywhere, blood on everything.. I dont know what to do to feel happy. I hope I start to feel at least numb or something, its exhausting being so fucked all of the time, and its exhausting for everybody around me too. Ive been told that its annoying.. Im sorry, I genuinely dont want people to know that side of me, but I cant keep it in. If I were to keep it in I dont know if Id be here anymore. I just wish I would stop embaressing myself, stop breaking down in front of everyone, hurting myself, all of it. It makes me look so fucking weak.
Im going to kill myself when im older, thats the plan. Im going to shoot myself , hopefully with my own gun, but if not then by a cop. It might come sooner or later but I can promise its going to be suicide (if I dont get killed first). I love my friends but they just cant help me. I dont think anybody can help me. Im not even really sure WHAT would help, I just want it to end.
Im not really sure what I am sexuality wise. Personally I think that im straight, because I dont feel sexual or romantic attraction towards men, however I do very intensly towards women. I have paraphillias, which are what I believe is necrophillia