Living with Schizotypal Personality Disorder
I dont really associate with people outside of my family or friends. Ive always felt like i dont fit in, and that everyone knows that, so they treat me accordingly. ive always been called strange, most noticabley people often act as if theyre studying me rather than being friendly. I cant tell if they dont know im aware of what theyre doing, or if im just really crazy, lol. Some things align just a little too well, I swear to god I have predicted the future multiple times, or maybe caused it to happen, im not sure. Theres been times where the radio will play songs and the lyrics will describe something I am doing at that moment. For exmple, ill get up and go to turn the music off, and it will sing at me " dont turn the music off" or some shit, but with actual songs, like theyll be talking to me through the radio. Speaking of songs, theres one that horrifies me. I Love Rock ’n’ Roll, by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts. I get visions of my family and loved ones being tortured, raped, and killed, to the main chorus, all while im forced to watch. like I can vividly imagine demons laughing as they chop up and bash the skull in of my mother to the beat, then moving on to the rest, as they chant "I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL! PUT ANOTHER DIME IN THE JUKEBOX BABY!". Ive felt this forever! listen to the song and tell me it doesnt sound like satanic chanting. And this song always comes on when im feeling weird or scared. I feel like im being tormented!!!!!!
Ive always dressed differently too, which is actually a symptom of SPD. Im into dark fashion, calling myself a rivethead, But i also try out looks like cybergoth or just, wearing dark makeup randomly. I have this thing where i dress up as a zombie randomly, like full face ripped off, covered in fake (but sometimes my own) blood, putting contacts in... just to stay in my room. I wouldnt say these are directly linked to my disorder, but its something to note considering one of the symptoms involves fashion and expression. Other than style, I also have trouble keeping the same clothes on for a long period of time. Speaking of zombies, sometimes i feel dead..? I think? i feel more connected to the undead than the living i guess. I like to cut myself to feel closer to death, and i regularly wish my hair was dead looking. Actually im very regularly trying to do something with my hair, but i just cant commit to anything...
Im not really sure if I have odd speech, I know i stutter sometimes, but thats not what they usually mean by that. I get told im not making sense when i speak, that im rambling, and theres been times where words dont make sense to me and I start freaking out, literally blurting out random words. thats only happened twice, it felt like a stroke. Mightve been...